After an experience this week, I am yet again reminded that theology is never bloodless. Blood…why blood? Simply because you don’t just bleed from physical wounds but from emotional and mental wounds as well.
Twenty five years ago, as a 15 year old, I walked into my first church. If I knew then, what I know now, I would have run screaming for the hills. I have seen some of the most nasty, self centred, holier than though, social climbing twits. I have seen manipulative, hollow people, only wanting folk when they are following their agenda. I have seen elitist, prideful people who will stab you in the back, faster than lightening.
Many times I have brought to my knees in tears because of the actions of folk. And many times, the heavens are silent. You see, you don’t always come away with comfort. Sometimes you come away just as tired as when you knelt. Sometimes…more often than not, the ceiling doesn’t move and prayer doesn’t feel like it’s leaving the room. That though is the reality. Friends become strangers, distance grows, then some turn on you and others ostracise you. Life is perfectly reflected in religion but religious bonds or so called links have a tendency to magnify the emotions to, at times, magnitudes that fly out into the solar system.
Its at this point, most folk decide the what is asked is too much. At times…yes, it does feel like too much. Why is a favourite phrase of mine but somewhere, a friend says hi, posts the goofy cat or dog picture that you so need, in that moment, or says morning hun, hugs. In that moment, for just a second, the world slows just enough so you catch your breath. Drag yourself off your knees and start again. So to C, Y, A and K, thank you. The four of you have kept me centred and sane as the swirls of Grad school and theology masters degree, have howled around. To C, who gently holds my heart in his hands and at the same time, lovingly kicks me up the backside. To Y, my non blood sis and fellow undergrad theology surviver, that cheers and makes me think. To A who always makes me think when she posts. To K who came out of nowhere and has opened up the way so I can go home. Thank you.
To those who are not as close anymore but taught vital lessons along the way, thank you also. I would not be in grad school without you.
So time to move forward!